Tuesday, December 2, 2008

12/02/08 - Non-Negotiables

Non negotiable things are the deal breakers in a relationship. They are the things you are not willing to compromise on.

When I was single a couple of my non-negotiables would have included: authentic, real relationship with the living God, he would want to have children and would not have been divorced. These would have been deal breakers.

Without question I would have not married someone who was not solid in their walk with the Lord. Who loved God and His Word above all else!

I would not have married someone who did not want to have children (of course the Lord is in control of that, but would have wanted to have the heart for having children). I also would not have married someone who was divorced.

Thinking through this list before you become emotionally involved can be helpful in sorting through your ideas of what you want and what you can work with! I do think this list doesn't have to be a mile long, if so, you may never get married ;-)

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

out of curiosity: why not someone who had been divorced?

Heather Paulsen said...

I was wondering if I'd get asked this. I prefer to not get into this conversation via comments or on my blog for that matter, but I will add this link from John Piper which expresses my convictions and my heart about divorce and remarriage:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/1986/1488_Divorce_and_Remarriage_A_Position_Paper/

Julie said...

Aside from the spiritual aspect, entering into marriage with a divorced person can carry a lot of complicated baggage - stepchildren, continued contact with ex-in-laws, ex-spouse (and perhaps also their new partner), the emotional legacy of being betrayed, and so on. If you're a young Christian single who hasn't even seriously dated someone before, all of the above is quite intimidating enough to consider.

Julie said...

I read John Piper's articles about divorce and remarriage. In a case where divorce results from infidelity in which one person leaves the marriage to be with their adulterous lover, it does seem unnecessarily cruel to condemn the innocent (deserted) spouse's remarriage as adultery. While divorce is contrary to God's ideal of marriage, it is at times an unavoidable reality in this fallen world.

Anonymous said...

At the same time, there can be nearly the same situation with someone who was not married in the first place, and became a christian later. I suppose this is what I was thinking of when I asked you the question before, Heather.

God can change someone's heart, they become a Christian, and repent of their past.

Heather Paulsen said...

Are you asking if I would have married someone who became a Christian later in life?

Yes, I would have.

I am unclear what you mean, could explain further.

Thanks!

MInTheGap said...

I think that what anonymous is getting at is marrying someone that had a divorce before coming to Christ.

The problem, for me with this scenario, is that there are consequences for actions. Though sin may be forgiven by God and man, each choice we make carries with it some consequences.

Those that steal cannot just get forgiveness, but like Zaccheus, they must return what they stole and make restitution.

But I think what Heather is getting at is the heart of the issue-- where is the person's heart? What is their value of commitment.

For not only biblical reasons, but for practical reasons, divorce means that someone has the idea in the back of their head that they don't have to last "until death" but that there's always another way out.

To me, I've also looked at this in terms of children of divorce-- though I married one I did think through it long and hard. The impact and the lessons taught about love, promises, etc. in regards to divorce are something to be wary of.

Julie said...

Now, someone cautions against even the children of divorce?! As though they are somehow to blame for the choices their parents made, and certainly tainted by it.

Why stop there? You might as well reject all "damaged goods" as worthy candidates for marriage - anyone with, say, family violence or alcoholism or sexual abuse or mental illness in their background.

On those grounds, I would certainly be excluded and so, undoubtedly, would many other people.

Does being abandoned, unloved or abused in the past mean that someone should be stigmatized for it now?