Saturday, October 13, 2007

10/13/07 - DTR Question

Joseph...I am enjoying your comments, so let me expand on them here.

You wrote:
"I was thinking about why there was a term for that type of thing (DTR). Do you think it is because it is necessary? Or do you think the term exists because women want it and frequently do not get it? Or do you have another opinion on its prevalence?"

Yes, I think it is important for men and women to know where they stand with each other, especially, if the actions are not coinciding with the words.

For example, guy says, "We're just friends." But then he sets a girl apart, takes her out for coffee, hugs and cuddles with her, share dreams or goals with her, and just generally makes her feel more like a girlfriend than just a friend.

Paul told Timothy (a younger man) to treat "younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." 1 Timothy 5:2.

In treating a younger woman as a sister we need to look at brother/sister relationships.

Brothers and sisters love each other, pray for each other, care about each other. HOWEVER they know where they stand with each other. There's no guesswork, no hidden agenda, no say-one-thing-treat-another-way behavior, no flirting, no hope of a life together...they are just brother and sister.

So yes, DTRing in an emotional intimate, undefined relationship is VERY important in maintain a brother and sister in the Lord relationship. It's having emotional integrity with each other and not asking for anything that doesn't belong to you.

Guys have to understand that women are wired to desire emotional intimacy and when they are ambiguous with their emotions towards a woman it can cause her to pull her focus off God, it can put her on an emotional roller coaster, and it can cause pain to her heart. So will cause you both a lot less pain in the long run!


Joseph said...

As a young philosopher I shudder when I hear you say "cause". Certainly, men have responsibilities. Everyone does. Men do not often "cause" women to do anything. Language really does matter. I cannot say I appreciate the way you have chosen to explain the last part. I do however appreciate that people (both men and women) are not up front about what they are doing. Sometimes people are not even honest with themselves.

arcee said...

I think that Joseph, you make the point that there are responsibilities for both sides of the ill-defined relationship. Women are accountable for how much time and emotion they are willing to pour into a man who has allowed their relationship to remain ambiguous.

Unfortunately, we can do that for a whole host of reasons that we might try to justify, but ultimately, as women, we need to watch what we are doing, be willing to seek wise counsel, pray, and exercise caution with the relationships we build with men.

Sometimes women 'hope' the guy will eventually make a commitment or women talk themselves out of needing a commitment.

Men may very well be unaware of some of the things they say and do that can trigger a woman's longing for relationship. However, if they care about their sisters in Christ, it would be helpful for those men to seek counsel on it from a wise Christian man or Christian couple.

One of the things I appreciated about the Eric and Leslie Ludy's story of how they met, became friends, and eventually married is that Eric had the foresight to know that how much time he spent with Leslie, what he said to her, and how he treated her would affect her relationship with her future spouse and he wanted them to both honor their mates before they even knew who they would be.

Joseph said...

I myself, have been surprised by the effects I have had on women, often. So many times I just had no idea that someone could get that from that, so to speak.

In many parts of the world (and in much of history), there was not this much room to screw things up like we can here in the "west". Americans have next to no social guidlines for dating. Hard and fast rules are not there, and this has been a relatively recent development. There is not much of a social support structure for relationships here in the "west". I wonder why most societies in most of history have not given young people this much freedom in the area of relationships? Could it have something to do with the fact that the younger you are, the more likely you are to screw up even the easiest things put before you? Hmmm...