Saturday, August 4, 2007

08/04/07 - DTR

What does it mean to DTR (define the relationship)?

As women we may feel that any form of DTR has to come from the guy. But let's say you have a guy friend that is treating you special. You have observed that he picks you out of a crowd, he treats you different, he treats you special, he hugs you and no other girl, he tells you things he doesn't tell anyone else, he calls you a lot, he is always text messing you, or he has lot of playful nudges with you.

(Just as a side note, there are guys who treat a lot of girls like this and can even make a girl feel special, but that's just how they act.)

So, here you are wondering what his thoughts are about your relationship! This can be frustrating and annoying, especially if you are longing to maintain emotional purity. It can be easy to allow your mind to wander too far out of reality. Even if you are committed to emotional purity our minds can easily end at the alter in a friendship such as this!

So let's say that you have this "friendship", what are you to do?

First of all, pray about what steps God would want you to take. Make sure you don't DTR just because you want to push your agenda. If you DTR it should be done with God's approval.

Second, make sure you talk to your mentor before you DTR. For me this was my dad when I was single. Get their thoughts, ideas, and advice as to what to do.

Third and final, make sure you know, in your heart, that you are longing for clarity in this relationship because you simply want clarity. Make sure there are no hidden motives.

My husband had very little confidence with women. He never dated any other girl, not really because he understood emotional purity in his life, but because he was afraid of being rejected. I do believe that lack of confidence protected his heart for me!

We became friends and spent a great deal of time together with our families (not alone). After 6 months it was clear he was treating me different. I knew we need to DTR our relationship. I spent a great deal of time praying and talking to my dad. After getting the green light from my dad and my Father, John and I had a DTR.

What did this look like? Well, basically I just cracked the door a bit by saying to him, "I've noticed you treat me different than other girls and I need to know what is going on." I needed clarity. If he would have said that we were indeed just friends, I would have stepped away from the relationship.

What this did NOT look like? It was not me leading the relationship. He was the one who said, "I like you and would like to pursue a relationship with you." That night we agreed that we were dating with marriage in mind (five days later we pulled out our summer calendars to find a wedding date). We actually shook hands on our agreement, we still laugh at ourselves!

I needed clarity for my heart, this is why I asked him what was going on.

I know there are many readers of my book who have asked me about this. Young women want to know if they have the "right" to DTR. If you are going to DTR to push your agenda or because you want this relationship to go to the next level, then you may want to check your motives.

If you have questions, please ask away. Also, my husband is more than willing to post a blog if there are questions for him!

Don't forget to watch the video on the side bar of my blog! It's titled: Worst DTR


sara.e.nye said...

Wow, I googled "how to dtr" and this came up. I believe it was exactly what God wants me to see. You have helped me tremendously here. Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

I'm in that ambiguous spot right now, and couldn't figure out what would be the proper way to handle it since we're both Christians and I want a biblical relationship. But this was really helpful, thank you :)