07/15/09 - Preparing For Marriage (part 6)

I hope you've been enjoy this series on Preparing for Marriage. My prayer is that it's given you some "meaty" thoughts to chew on as your think and prepare for marriage. We prepare for so many other things in our lives, why not take some real time and prepare for marriage?

We talked in Part Five about saving yourself physically and some of the benefits and today I want to share about why I think saving yourself emotionally is just as important.

When I spoke at a woman's retreat about six years ago I polled all the women about their first loves. (Most of the women were married.)

I asked:
Do you have a special place in your heart for your first love?
Do you think about your first love?
Did you marry your first love?

When I asked that third question, the room took a collective GASP!

Why...after the women turned in their answers I found that about 80% of the women have a special place in their heart for their first love, think about their first love, BUT DID NOT marry their first love.

This is the heart of emotional purity, saving that "first love" for the person you marry, so that when you think about and have a special place for that person, that first love, it's your mate!

When you've emotionally attached yourself to another person that you do not married, that person (potentially) will always have a special place in your heart. Once married you may find yourself up to your eyeballs in diapers, bills, conflicts, issues...life...and it may be easy to compare that first love with your husband.

"Bobby from high school, well he always 'got me'. We could talk for hours and hours and he knew how to relate to me. My husband hardly takes time to say 'hi' to me after work."

"I wonder what it would have been like to marry Jimmy from college. He was an amazing protector and he cared about me. We never had the worries about live that I have with my husband."

"It was so easy with Jack. He was just fun, easy going, and had a free spirit. My husband is boggged down with life and just doesn't know how to 'let his hair down'!"

Maybe your thoughts: thoughts of comparison, thoughts of doubt as to why you married the man you're married to and not your high school boyfriend, these thoughts can can lead you down a place in your mind that you ought not go as a married women.

Being emotionally content in your marriage will start with being emotionally content before you are married. Know that God's in control, that He is the one who satisfies you emotionally (sometimes He uses another human, sometimes He wants you to rely on Him and Him alone) will aid in a richly satisfying marriage!

(I'll be back from vacation today, then back to new posts!)

07/14/09 - Preparing For Marriage (part 5)

Keep oneself physically pure will aid in a richly satisfying marriage!

Before I go on, let me say that I know that God is a God of GRACE! He forgives, He heals, He restores, He extends grace! So if you've "messed up" in this area already know that He can heal you. You must be willing to work through the issues that may arise from stepping ahead of His perfect timing in this area, but know it can be worked through! You can have restoration!

We all hear, "Don't have sex till your married! God tells you not to and I tell you not to!" Sometimes this is all we hear!

Well, I want to share why, not just because God says so, but why, what difference it will make and blessings you will have in your marriage, if you wait.

John and I were virgins on our wedding night. We know that we're in a growing minority of people who actually remain virgins till their wedding. After we were married, especially that first year, we'd say to each other, "Thank you for waiting. I can't even imagining knowing that you've done this with someone else." This greatly helps trusting that one will remain faithful within the marriage commitment. It was wonderful to know that neither one of us had a "past". We were so thankful for the purity we had and thanked God fully for His grace in keeping us pure!

Contrast that with other people I've talked to about this issue.

One person told me, "I know that certain issues in our marriage are there because we didn't wait. I always wonder what it would be like if would have waited? Would this issue be here if we had waited?"Another person told me, "We knew in order to have a real relationship with our kids we'd have to be completely honest in answering all their questions, which did include them asking us if we 'waited' till we were married. That was one of the saddest days of my life when I had to look my own kids in the eye and tell them of our sin."

I also heard another woman explain that she's always had a hard time fully respecting her husband because of their sin of premarital sex. She said she felt he didn't respect her enough to wait and that has stuck with her throughout their marriage.

The bible tells you to wait, your parents tell you to wait and for good reason because the consequence of sin can be long lasting. It can effect your marriage and your relationship with your kids (Especially if you decide you don't want to tell them. If you choose to not share with your kids your past sins it will be hard to not build a wall between you and them. You may find yourself as a "Stuffer" family.)

When you are in a relationship that heading towards marriage, maybe engagement, it's easy to "do" more and more because you are so committed to marriage. But, let me say that the more you save for marriage, the more you will be richly satisfied in this area of your marriage!

Saving yourself physically for marriage may be difficult at times, but well worth the wait!

07/13/09 - Preparing For Marriage (part 4)

Julie posted this comment in the orginal series on Preparing for Marriage: "Domestic chores and responsibilities would be a major area for a couple to discuss their expectations about before marriage, I think. That seems to be why so many non-Christian couples move in together before making a more serious commitment."

Domestic chores and responsibilities: laundry, taking out the trash, pick up, taking care of kids, pet care, lawn care, paying bills, bringing in income, scrubbing toilets, grocery shopping, running errands, meal planning, cooking, dishes, home organizing, home maintenance, making the bed, vacuuming, dusting, changing diapers, and planning the household schedule are just some of those things.

Friday, I talked about expectations and these would be some of those issues to know what your expectations are, however today I wanted to talk about selfless service.

To be richly satisfied in your marriage one would have to be willing to serve selflessly!

Although it's important to know what you expect, doing things for each other shouldn't be a check list of "This is what you do and this is what I do and in order to have a happy marriage you must do your to-do-list!"The attitude should be: "It would be a joy to willing to do "your" chore without complaining about it or expecting praise."

This is selfless service!

As a single person you have plenty of opportunities to practice selfless service.

Ask yourself:
Am I looking for ways to help around the house, or do I still expect, mom, dad, roommate, brother, sister to do it instead of me?
When I see a candy wrapper in the hallway of my church, do I stop to pick it up, or do I expect the guy behind me will do it?
When I have a glass or plate in the livingroom, do I gladly take it to the kitchen, or do I let mom do that?
Do I help in the kitchen when I can or do I leave all cooking and cleaning up to mom?
Do I only do bare minimum around the house, just what I am asked to do, or do I go beyond my own personal list and help others?
When I see dad outside doing a project, I willing help him or wait till he asks and then grunt and moan that he's taking me away from my video game?
Do I look for ways to help out or pretend to not notice that a certain chore (taking out the trash for example) needs to be done?

These are just a handful of questions to ask yourself. But if you are practicing selfless service before marriage, once married it will come more naturally. You'll be looking for ways to serve and not to be served. And this will be RICHLY SATISFYING!

07/12/09 - Happy 6th Anniversary!

I am going to take a break in the middle of this series and wish my sweetheart a Happy 6th Anniversary! So much has happened in these 6 years, I look forward to many, many more!

Before vacation I wrote a tribute to my husband on my family blog: My Husband!

Yes, we're still on vacation and I'll continue the "Preparing for Marriage" series tomorrow!

07/10/09 - Preparing For Marriage (part 3)

When I examine my own mindset before marriage I realized I had a lot of expectations. I expected things to run in such a way, looks this way, act this way, think this way...etc.

Expectations can be as little as how you squeeze the toothpaste to who leads family devotionals.

You may expect things to operate like they did in your family.

This may sound silly, but this is one of those expectations I had in marriage: for John to check the locks at night before we went to bed. My dad always did a check of the house, every door was checked and every light was turned off. I just expected it to operate this way in my marriage.

When we got married, John didn't do the night time check of the house. It may me feel like he didn't care for my safety, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I expressed to him this silly expectation and he worked on making a point to check the house at night before bed.

Realistic expectations would be on my list of things to examine as you prepare for marriage. What can and should a marriage look like? What do you expect your marriage to look like? What things have your parents modeled that you expect in your marriage?

I believe that if you know what are your expectations of your mate before you enter in to marriage and if you are able to express these expectations to him or her, it provides a better spring board to that first year of adjustment in marriage.

07/09/09 - Preparing For Marriage (part 2)

A while back I blogged about Authentic Communication and it was this post that made my mind start swirling with other areas singles can work on as they prepare for marriage. I want to share a bit more on this area.

We've all grown up with different families. I have found, in general that there are two types of communication styles within families.There is the family that openly talkers about things. Your parents share and talk, you confront issues, and no topic is off limits. Actually conversations can easily get heated because of the open style of communication. I'll call these the "Talkers".

Or the other family is one that brushes issues and confrontations under the rug. Everyone is nice to each other, but past hurts and pains are always under the surface. Conflicts never really get resolved because of the unwritten family code that says to just forget it and move on, without ever speaking about the conflict. I'll call these the "Stuffers".

Do you relate to the Talkers or the Stuffers?

If you're family resembles the Talkers, you may be too quick to jump into conversations and topics that should be reserved for later. It may upset you to not have all the issues out on the table. You want to get to the bottom of each matter and not allow time or the Spirit to bring issues to the surface.

If you're family resembles the Stuffers, conflicts may scare you because you're not used to them, so you really avoid those deep, serious issues that need to be talked about. You do know what you really are thinking, but have not learned or just don't want to fully express yourself.

Learning to authentically communicate can be uncharted waters.

I have found there should be somewhat of a balance between the Talkers and Stuffers. My family is the Talkers. We cover all issues and no topic of off limit, but I've seen the beauty of letting certain, non-essential topics just sit and not get talked about. I've seen how waiting to talk about something can change my thoughts (mostly because emotionally I've calmed down). I thank John for teaching me things.

In my own experience I have seen that the Stuffers are Stuffers because there are things they wish to not discuss. Past sin, secrets, shame, and guilt keep certain topics buried deep. To avoid these issues Stuffers stuff everything and tend to avoid conflict.

Examine your own personal style of communication. Being aware of it as you enter into a relationship heading towards marriage, will greatly enhance that process and your marriage.

07/08/09 - Preparing For Marriage

I am on vacation! I've set my blog to post my "Preparing For Marraige" six part series. If you've already read it, sorry, no new blogs this week! If not, enjoy!

Part One:

The next few days I will share with you my thoughts on preparing for richly satisfying marriage. I am no expert, I am not a perfect wife, I am not a licensed pre-marriage counselor...I am just Heather, a woman who is richly satisfied in her marriage. So, take my advice and thoughts as you wish. Take what applies, leave what doesn't!

As I began to think through these ideas about preparing for marriage, the first and most important thing I believe one must do to prepare for a richly satisfying marriage, is to practice complete and total selflessness!

Marriage requires each partner to lay aside their wants and seek to please their mate.

Although Paul is speaking to the church of Phillipi in the book of Philippians, I believe 2:3-4 apply to each of us as we walk through our lives in relationship with other sinners:

"3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. "

Learning selflessness will be an ongoing process but, in your season of singleness, practicing selflessness will be such a blessing to your mate.

How do you know when you are being selfish?

Ask yourself:

Would I be upset if things don't go my way?
Will I be annoyed if my plans for my day get interrupted?
Do I feel that I can justify my complaining because I'm having a bad day?
Do I deserve things (job promotion, position, applause, recognition, praise, sleep, money, time off, time to myself) just because I do?

Of course there are more questions you can ask yourself, but really in your heart of heart do you look to please yourself, rather than those around you.

Maybe you live with roommates, are you respectful of them, looking for ways to bless them? Do you just have days you say, "I'm having a bad day, so back 0ff" instead of closing your bedroom door and praying for a better attitude with those you are in relationship with? Do you expect them to thank you for cleaning the kitchen or taking out the trash when it wasn't your week?

Maybe you are at home with your family, are you looking for way to bless your younger brother or parents? Do you complain at the meal your mom made because you don't like it, or do you just thank her and have a snack later? Do you get annoyed when "your" time is interrupted by a need that arises in your family? Are you late to a family function because getting "your" thing done was more important than keeping a commitment?

As you go about your day keep in mind the concept of being selfless. It's easy (I remember because it wasn't that long ago) when your single to just not be in tune to other people's needs, schedule, and desires. It's easy to become totally inward focused.

As a wife and mom God has brought selfishness to light. There's just no room for it in a marriage! I know that the more I look to bless John, do what he wants, make him happy...the more I am blessed and I get things that make me happy!

We agreed, when we first started dating, that we'd strive to please the other person over our own needs. When you have two people who are looking for ways to bless each other it is richly satisfying!

When you are trying to live a me-centered life, you will only find yourself annoyed, irritable, unpleasant, and unhappy!

07/06/09 - Vacation

We leave tomorrow for eight days of vacation. I've set my blog to run some posts while I am gone. If you post a comment I won't be able to approve it till I get home, so don't think I am ignoring you!

If you have questions on the post, ask away and I'll get to them when I get home!

Have a great week!

07/03/09 - What a week!

This week started with a phone call from my mom at 4:15 am Sunday morning telling my that my oldest sister Colleen had a baby boy! Wendell Frederick was born at home Sunday morning weighing in at 10 pounds, 22 inches!

Tuesday started with a phone call from my other sister Lesli that her father-in-law had been taking to the hospital and was having emergency quadruple bypass surgery in less than 2 hours.

Wednesday I got a call from my Aunt Ruth telling me that my grandma was in the hospital. By Thursday we had no idea what the outcome of her symptoms were going to be. Today she is doing better, but will be moving to a nursing home, then assisted living after she's strong enough. She will never be going back to the home that my dad was raised in.

What a week!

As I was pondering this week, I thought of the song: Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's "all as it should be"
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

07/02/09 - To be read in court

Somewhere along the lines I heard or read that you shouldn't put anything on the Internet you wouldn't want to be read in a courthouse.

That has stuck with me and when I blog or Facebook I think, "Would I want this to be read or seen in court?"

Many in our society blog or spend time on Facebook/Twitter and I wonder at times, "If that was to be read in a court, with a judge and jury, what would be the fate of that person."

We have an open society where people think the Internet is a place to be honest and free, but we as believers have a "court" of people watching. They are looking at your life and wonder if being a Christian really makes a difference.

So often you can't tell the difference between the status up-date of a Christian or a non-Christian. Or the pictures posted would not show a life set apart.

We are to be in the world and not of the world!

My friend and fellow author Shannon Primicero is in the middle of a series of posts on technology and I love her definition of a "naked Facebooker". Read her blog post here: What is a Naked Facebooker.

07/01/09 - Repeat

I was reading through some old posts and came across this one:

"My 2 1/2 year old son, Miles, has realized that he can ask to come and find us in the morning. This last week I've heard each morning, "Mommy, can I come find you?!?"

To my delight I say, "Yes!"

He comes running to our bedroom, jumps in our bed, and proclaims that it is morning.

I just have grown to love that sweet time with Miles in the morning. Of course, Luke yells from his crib to come get him as well! It's been fun family time before the day gets started.

It reminds me of how our Heavenly Father must feel when we take time in the morning to come and find Him. "Lord, can I come find You?!?"

"Of course, come and find me, seek me, and you will find the joy, peace and love you're looking for.""

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Are we taking time to greet our Lord each morning? I am sure He's wait for us!

06/29/09 - Abort73 ONE DAY T-shirt Sale

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Click here to see the T-shirts!

06/26/09 - It's always right...

...to do the right thing!

I heard this often: It's always right to do the right thing.

No matter what others do, you do the right thing. No matter how someone hurts you, it's up to you to do the right thing.

This has always been a motto of my life...it's not always easy, but when you can have a clear conscience before God and man...that my friend is pure peace!!

06/24/09 - Waiting

We all have to wait! Wait to graduate high school, wait to get married, wait for babies, wait...wait...wait!

We sang "Everlasting God" on Sunday and it's been on my mind all week!

Enjoy this video as you wait upon the Lord!

Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin

06/22/09 - Leaglism

I was reading a friends' blog about the freedom's we experience in Christ. Christ came so we'd be free.

After reading her blog I posted this comment:"Being free in Christ can look sinful to those looking with legalistic glasses on!"

I don't believe that we flaunt our freedom, but have you ever looked at something someone was doing and been judgemental. I have! It's easy to think our way is the right way, but how do we know that God not granted that person freedom in that area.

I firmly believe that we are not to give the appearance of evil in anything we do or say. However there are those areas that we can each be called to a different levels. We are called to extend grace to each other.

A couple can be out one on one and totally maintaining emotional purity with each other (although I would not suggest you spend tons of one on one time because it can be easy to cross lines that don't need to be crossed).

Then there can be another couple out in a big group of people who are not guarding their hearts.

It's not the form of what someone is doing, but it's the spirit. If someone has the spirit of purity, their lives will follow what their heart believes.

I don't believe in a list of rules for people when it comes to courtship or dating, yet when people have a desire to remain pure their actions will follow. It happens with any area of our life.

06/15/09 - Psalms

Yesterday, in my cover to cover reading of the bible, I started the Psalms.

Psalms 1 has to be one of my favorite Psalms. It's just a great way to start this wonderful book of the bible.

Psalms 1:1-2:
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and nights.

Do you see the progression of sin here?

First, he doesn't walk in the advice of the wicked.
Second. he doesn't stand in the way of sinners.
Finally, he doesn't sit with scoffers.

Walk, stand, and sit!

With sin you may just walk past, see what's going on. But then it may peak your interest enough to stand and watch. Finally, it can grab your attention enough to sit down.

We have to be on guard of sins trap and how do we do that? We take pure joy in knowing, reading, and meditating on God's Word!

06/09/09 - Your Kids

If you're in your late teens, yearly twenties, you may not be thinking about your kids but, chances are most of you reading this will become a parent some day.

My dad always used to say, "If, down the road, you want a good relationship with your own kids, make sure you only do things you're willing to share with them." In other words, if I decided to make poor choices, then I should be willing to tell my own kids my mistakes.

I thought of this often in my late teens and early twenties. I'd think, "Do I, someday, want to sit my own children down and look them in the eyes and tell them some of the things I did?"

I am so thankful that my own parents weren't afraid of sharing their mistakes with me. It made them human, it made them real, it made them accessible. It also made me very aware of how their transparency devolved a deep, meaningful relationship with them, the kind I want with my own kids.

So if you desire to have a good relationship with your own kids some day, make sure the things you do now, you'd be willing to share with them someday.

06/08/09 - College Bound

Many of you are starting a new season of your life! You've just graduated high school and now you're looking forward to this new time of your life.

What an amazing time of life! It all goes by so fast! (I realized this weekend that I've been out of high school for 17 years and it has flown by!)

Yesterday at our church all the high school grads were called forward to receive special recognition. When they stood up there I began to think of all the worldly pulls they are going to feel if they go to college.

The winds of the world are so strong. They want to pull you off the path, away from God. Satan can be subtle, he can use seemly innocent things to begin to shift your focus.

Just a small shift in focus will, down the road, lead to a large gap between you and God.

If you are one of the many who have just graduated high school and are looking forward to college, my only piece of advice is be very aware of who your friends are. Find a group (Campus Crusade, Intervarsity) of companions that will help you stay focused as the winds pull you away from the Lord.

There are 100's of choices you will make in the next few years that will radically alter your life path. Keep your future in mind and not look to satisfy just the here and now.

06/04/09 - Married Women

Okay married women this one is for you!

My heart is growing weary hearing story after story of married women who have found themselves emotionally attached to a man on the Internet. These are Christian moms and wives, who find themselves in emotional distant marriages looking for support on line and they turn to the wrong place!

Ladies, when we vow to our husbands to remain faithful, it doesn't just mean physically. Our whole heart and our whole bodies belong to him all the days of our life. This is the commitment we enter into when we marry!

When we start looking for emotional support outside of our husbands (I don't mean the type of support you receive from girlfriends, but emotional support for another man) we are cheating on our husbands.

Am I saying that all marriages are the perfect place to foster emotional closeness, of course not. I know some of you are struggling with husbands who don't talk, they bury themselves with work, the TV or Wii is their nightly companion, and he seems to do nothing to keep your emotional tank full. None of his behaviors are an excuse to look outside of him for emotional support.

Do I have all the answers on how to repair years of emotional distance in your marriage? Not really, but what I do know is that looking outside of marriage or the vows you spoke to be emotional satisfied is against God's perfect plan for marriage.

06/01/09 - Cutting Corners

Are you a "corner cutter"? Always looking for the easiest path, the short cut, the way that would require the least amount of energy?

How do you think reflects to a watching world?

I believe when we go the extra mile, finish what we start, complete a task to the best of our ability, it reflects God's grace, love, and joy in our life.

05/26/09 - Doing God's Work

My church has been reading the bible cover to cover this year. It's been so amazing to know that my church family is reading the same pages of scripture I am reading. We have our Sunday School time to dig deeper and then a sermon each Sunday on the scripture we've read. It's been a great encouragement to me and many I know who've been following along.

This week we are in Nehemiah. As God's children began doing His work of rebuilding the wall, they came up against opposition. There were some who were down right mad they were working on rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem.

It says in Nehemiah 4:17, " each labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the other."

Just make a mental picture of this. Here they are trying to rebuild a wall. Remember they didn't have the tools or technology we have and I am sure the work was not easy, but it was God's work, so they worked! With their free hand they had to hold protection from the enemies.

Isn't that how it is still today? God calls us to do His work: a ministry, the mission field, evangelizing to our classmates or co-workers, showing Christ's love and light to those around us, and yet we must be on guard of our enemy. We must carry our weapon, the Word of God, to fight off the opposition.

God may call you to do something, but it doesn't mean it will be easy or conflict-free!

What has God been calling you to do?

05/23/09 - Wedding Vows

These vows are framed hanging up. They serve as a reminder of what we committed to each other. Writing our vows was my favorite aspect of preparing for our wedding! We memorized our vows for our wedding. We didn't share what we wrote with each other till about a week before the wedding.


JOHN'S VOWS:

Heather Arnel Paulsen, it is a great privilege and honor to stand here with you today to become your husband.

Heather, you are a gift from God and you are my soul mate and I am truly blessed to have your love and devotion.

I, John Timothy Patenaude, commit to you Heather, before God and these witnesses to be the spiritual leader of our household by faithfully seeking God's will for our lives.

I commit to give you my full devotion, loyalty, and respect and to never take you for granted.

I commit to care for your needs: spiritually, emotionally, and physically and to provide a loving household in which you can openly share your innermost feelings.

I commit to join to my heart to yours and share with you our desires, needs, joy, sorrow.

I commit to protect you, to love you, to provide for you, and to stand beside you all the days of my life.

I love you, I need you, and I thank God for you.

HEATHER VOWS:

I, Heather Arnel Paulsen, am honored and humbled to stand before you, John and God today to become your wife. To join our hearts, our lives, and our families.

You, John Timothy Patenaude, are the love of my life. The man that God created for me to love from this day until the day we are parted by death.

I commit before you, God, and these witnesses that I will remain faithful to God, seeking His will and guidance for my relationship with Him and for our marriage.

I commit to willing submit to your leadership as the the church does to Christ. Trusting you to faithfully seek God for His will.

I commit to be honest with you even if it may cause pain. To be your support, comfort, and companion through life's trials and to be faithful to you no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.

I commit that with God as my guide I will strive to be a blessing in your life as I seek to develop a quiet and gentle spirit and a heart that puts you and our family first.

I commit that with God's grace I will make our home a safe place of refuge for you. A home filled with laughter, joy, peace, and unconditional love and acceptance.

My whole heart and all my devotion belongs to you John and you will have it the rest of our lives.

05/21/09 - Question

I received this question in my last post: How can an unmarried christian woman prepare to be a "love maker" as you said? How did you prepare yourself for this, before getting married?

Thanks for the questions!

It got me thinking and here are a few things I did before I got married to fulfill this vision I had once married.

1) I asked God to give me a heart that would have a desire to make my home this safe haven. To reveal to me any bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain that would stand in the way of fully giving myself to my husband and children in this manner.

2) When given the chance to provide a loving atmosphere in my home, I practiced being the "love maker". Maybe I'd try to do something special for my sisters (who were my roommates till I got married). Or when we'd have company over, I'd work towards serving them in such a way that they felt the warmth and love I desired them to feel.

3) I didn't know that remaining emotional pure would aid in this, but keeping my heart for my husband alone helped me fully give my heart to him. Because he alone has my heart, a whole heart, it was easy to want to "spoil" him and provide a safe haven for him.

4) I kept an according folder of "household ideas". If I saw something in a magazine or newspaper article, I'd cut it out and put it in my folder. I had sections such as: Holiday, decorations, party ideas, kids crafts...etc. I have used this folder a few times since we got married.

5) When I'd observe something that a wife/mom did that I admired I wrote it down in a journal. This way I would not forget some of the things I wanted to incorporate into my own home.

6) Finally, I committed to John, in our marriage vows, that I would strive to make our home a safe place for him and our children. (We wrote our own marriage vows...maybe I'll post them tomorrow.)

05/20/09 - "Love Makers"

No this is not a post about physical intimacy! Just wanted to clarify from the get go!

I believe that God has given women a unique ability to provide an emotional atmosphere in our homes. This is bring the love into the home, thus women are the "love makers" of their homes.

Our homes should be a safe haven, a place of complete rest, a place to "let our hair down", and a place one can grow both emotionally and spiritually.

As a wife and mom it's been my goal to provide this level of unconditional love and acceptance in my home. To have a home that is restful, safe, and joyful.

This goal was something I began working on long before I met John. It was a vision I had before I got married and I asked God to prepare me for this task.

Do I believe men provide emotional support and love? Yes, but again I believe that women were created with a different set of emotions that lend them self to being the "love maker" of their homes.

What do you think?

05/19/09 - Positive or Negative

Every once in awhile my husband will ask me, "Do you think so and so is a positive person or a negative person?"

Not in a judgemental fashion, just a question: Does the things that come out of that persons mouth show them to be positive or negative?

Then to turn the question to myself. If someone spent any length of time with me, would they say I am positive or negative?

It's easy to get caught up in complaining or being negative...far too easy. But I am reminded by my son's Sunday School verse: Do everything without complaining or arguing.

I hope to be a positive person!

05/14/09 - John Piper Video

No Mr. President - John Piper

05/13/09 - Older Women/Younger Women

Younger women: How often are we intentional about interacting with older women?

Older women: Do you feel that younger women are interested in getting to know you and take advice from someone who has walk through life's trials?

Lately this has been an ongoing discussion with an older woman in my life. Are the generations mixing within the church? Or do we basically keep to our own peers?

Paul told Titus that older women are to teach the younger women (Titus 2). Therefore, the generations should be mixing, but sadly I think we as a church are falling short of this.

I've heard older women who claim they've given all they have and now this time of life is "their time". They've paid their dues and are done with ministry, as they pursue their own interests.

Also, younger women can look at older women as "out of touch" with what life is like in this culture. They have a subtle distrust of older women.

It is my firm conviction that older women and younger women need to be mixing their lives, being authentic with each other, and share a biblical perspective of womanhood with one another.

I am blessed to have two older women in my life who I can turn to for advice, to bounce ideas off of, to seek counsel from, and to have as friends. They have helped me see through my cloud of crazy hormones, motherhood frustration, and relationship issues. Their advice is always straight forward and godly.

How about you? Do you have an older woman you can turn to? Or are you an older woman who has made yourself available to younger women to help them through some of those tough stages you've walked through? What do you think is the greatest hindrance in making this happen?

05/06/09 - Emotional Affairs

It seems like everyone is talking about emotional affairs. Check out this article: 12 Ways to Break Free from an Emotional Affair. (It's not written from a Christian perspective.)

Emotional affairs are tearing families apart. It starts with a seed of discontentment in your marriage or with your mate. It starts with thinking you deserve something you're not getting. It starts with comparing your marriage with others. It starts with a pattern of emotional highs and lows before your married.

Finding emotional purity before you're married, I believe, will lead to emotional contentment once your married.

05/05/09 - Christian Etiquette

When I was a waitress in college at Cracker Barrel the waitresses thought very little of Christians. Why, you ask? Well, it was known that if a family prayed before a meal that you'd get a little tip (10% or less).

I would cringe inside when other waitress would bemoan having a "Christian table".

What would make it worse is when they'd pray and then be demanding, complaining, and down right annoying (trust me I had my fair share of these tables) then they'd leave a small tip with a track on how to become a believer.

It would make me want to run out to their car and tell them I was indeed a believer and a world is watching...so have better etiquette!

Do we take into account how we are speaking LOUDLY our beliefs with our actions? We, as Christians, need to be different! Sure, there are bad waitresses out there who give bad service, but how we handle it can be honoring to Christ.

Think about all the people who are "watching" us....waitresses, check-out clerks, bank tellers, over the phone sales people, receptionists, guest relationships staff and medical personal. What impression do you want to leave? Do you want to leave people with an taste of experiencing Christ?

05/01/09 - Guy/Girl Friendships

Ah, the age old question: Can a guy and a girl be just friends?

In short, yes!

Many come to my blog or read my book have been in some type of confusing guy/girl friendship. But can there be a friendship that is "confusion free"!

The confusion generally begins to take place when one of the person's involves begins to "read into" the actions of the other person. For example, a girl begins to believe that the simple hug after youth group or the text message reminding her about an upcoming event, means that the guy involved likes her and want to take the relationship to the next level.

(Actually normally a small action from a guy like that would produces a week or more worth of: What did he mean by that? Asking other girlfriends, "Do you think he likes me because he did this or that?" Thinking and rethinking about what the tone of his voice was, how long the hug lasted, the exclamation point at the end of the "hope to see you there" text message, and on and on and on till we've thought ourselves into a tizzy!)

Sure, I'll admit that there are things a guy can do that are confusing, but unless he has said, "I like you, I want to date you, and I am treating you this way because my feelings for you are growing." You have no business reading into his actions. (By the way guys, you have no business treating a girl different than other girls unless you've stated your intentions to her!)

It tough not to have expectations, but if you want to simply enjoying a guy/girl friendship we have to have NO expectations of the other person.

I had a conversation with a young woman who was struggling with an on-line friendship. The guy "blew" her off of an instant message date they had set up and she was upset. She didn't know if she should confront him on this or just let it go.

I asked her, "How would you feel if this was a girlfriend? Would you confront the girlfriend or would you just think to yourself, 'Something must have come up'?"

In order to have a guy/girl friendship it's important to keep your own expectations and thoughts in check. Don't read into the actions of your friend, just enjoy the friendship.

04/30/09 - God's Healing Balm

As we travel down the path of life, our hearts will become hurt. There's no doubt about it! We live in a fallen and sinful world. We all are agents and victims of sin, thus pain will occur.

It's how we choose to respond that makes all the difference.

We can choose bitterness, unforgiveness, anger. We can throw up walls that we think "protect" us. We can ignore, sweep it under the rug, and pretend it never happened. We can turn to food, unhealthy relationships, gossip, slander, back biting. We can demand justice and take the matter into our own hands. We never feel settled, we never have peace, and we never have quiet in our lives.

We can also choose God's healing balm. We can seek out His healing touch. We can reach for forgiveness, pray against a root of bitterness. We can trust God, even if it is down right scary. We can talk it out with Godly counsel and come to a place of peace. We can choose to let God defend us. With this path we will feel and have peace and quiet in our lives.

As young women you may have experienced hurt already. Hurt from a boy or hurt from a girlfriend. They can come in all shapes and sizes. But you have a choice. You can choose to give it over to the Lord and let your life be free of the entanglements that come with anger and hurt.

I believe the older you get, the harder it gets to choose the second path. The more weary you become. The less trustworthy you are and the more likely you are to not seek God's healing touch.

Young ladies, don't let this happen! When women in the body of Christ have dissension, the body of Christ suffers. We have to let our selfish pride GO! We have to let God defend. We have to allow God to heal us!

My heart hurts for women who walk around with heart wounds gashed open, yet they don't seek the one place where they can find healing.

I pray that God will use this post to impact your future!

04/29/09 - Words

This morning I finished listening to a message from Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She gave this message 10 years ago, right after the Columbine shootings.

I just wanted to share this quote:

"Ladies, we're in trouble when terms like these become part of our everyday vocabulary, terms like: divorce, incest, date rape, anorexia, homosexuality, euthanasia, physician-assisted suicide, abortion, Prozac, sexually transmitted diseases. Every young person knows those words today, but the problem is that we have little or no comprehension of such concepts as chastity, modesty, discretion, virtue, responsibility, fidelity, integrity."

I recommend the whole talk, but how sad this statement is of our culture...even our Christian culture!

04/28/09 - Issues

We all deal with "issues". Issues of unforgiveness, doubt, fear, and a host of other emotions that keep us from experiencing freedom and peace that Christ came to bring. Often these issues keep our minds locked up in self-focus and turmoil.

I've been asked over the years how to let go of these issues and although I am no expert on this, I do recommend this simple formula. It has helped me and others I've shared it with.

First, search scripture and find specific scriptures that relate to your issue. Put these verses on note cards and post them around your house, carry them with you, and memorize them. Get them in your brain!

Second, when your issue comes up in, repeat those verses, pull out your cards, and read them, say them over and over to yourself. Use scripture to combat whatever issue you have.

After a car accident in 2000, I struggled with panic attacks. I can't tell you how often I'd say, "Fear not for I am with you." It always helped me through those panic attacks and eventually I stopped having them.

Finally, pray and ask God to make you sensitive to when you are struggling with the issue and ask that He gives you a heart to fully let go.

I hope this helps!

04/24/09 - Emotions

I am currently reading a book called: Marriage A Taste of Heaven; Volume I: God's People Appreciate Marriage. It's a book my mom read when she was first married (back in the early 70's...so yes, it's an oldie, but a goodie) and this fall, my mom, sisters, and I are going to be using it as a bible study.

Chapter three is titled: The Plight of Silly Old Women and the author spends time talking about the emotions that God has given women that differs from men.

I just want to share a couple of quotes and let them speak for themselves:

"While God gave women this sixth sense to make them better suited for serving Him and others, God never intended for women to think with their emotions." (pg 67)

"At the same time, women also possess a single-mindedness that prevents them from overlooking problems." (pg 67)

"Trouble enters the picture, however, when women cease to focus their emotional antenna on others. Instead, they turn their sensitivities inward to create and to magnify their own unhappiness as they allow their emotions to rule their intellect." (pg 68)

Can anyone relate!?!

04/23/09 - 1,000 Things

I listened to Nancy Leigh DeMoss's talk at True Woman '08. I knew I need to be refreshed on that talk!

She had this quote of John Piper, "In any situation, God is doing 1,000 things we can not see and do not know."

That is one of those sayings I should post in my house!

God is always at work. We may just be aware of 1/1,000 of what's going on in a situation. With that very, small amount of information we have, we let our minds run wild of the "what ifs" and the "how comes".

I must remember that God is at work in ways that I may never know or understand and that's just fine! He's God and I am not!

04/15/09 - We're having....

Another boy! We found out today that Clark Daniel Patenaude is on his way! He's healthy, active, and defiantly a boy!

04/11/09 - Kiddo's Part 2

In my post about kids, I received a comment from someone who wished I would have written a bit more. So here are a few bits of advice I have on ways to keep your marriage your number one focus even after kids. (I understand that this will not apply to many of my readers, but take what you may. I also know this list is not exhaustive and if you have anything to add, feel free to comment!)

John and I implemented a few key "rules" in maintaining a close marriage after kids.

The first thing we agreed to was that our bedroom would always be our bedroom. We have no pictures of our kids in our bedroom, it's a toy-free zone, the boys were in their own cribs (not in our room) within two or three week of being born, and we keep our bedroom our marriage "sanctuary". This has helped us have a place, an adult place, in our home (Because toys seem to take over!).

Second: We make date nights a priority. We are blessed with good friends and plenty of close family members to make this happen. Of course, this didn't happen till the boys were about 6 months, but now John and I make an effort to have at least one date a month. And when we are out, alone it's our "rule" to not talk about the boys. At first this was hard, but now I look forward to the two or three hours of just adult talk with John.

Third: John and I have "mini" dates each day. Jill Savage, founder of Heart at Home, suggests this in one of her books. A mini date is about being intentional in having alone time every day. You have to be intentional about this because with two toddlers running around, it's not that easy. But once you get into the routine of having time each day, you look forward to that quality time.

Fourth: We've maintained early bedtimes for our boys in order to allow for "us" time when they are in bed. Normally, our boys go to bed between 7:30 and 8:30 pm. This gives us a good hour or two where the house is quiet, we keep the TV (sitcoms) off, and we play games, talk, soak in our hot tub, read, or just watch a movie together.

Fifth: We believe that our children do not come first. Because kids are so needy (let's face it, when they are young they need almost 100% attention) we have to be intentional about keeping each other number one. There are a 100 things each day you can do to put your mate first. They are alot of little things, but I know it helps us keep our marriage a focus and priority.

Sixth: John and I firmly believe that we were given our children to train them in the ways of the Lord. We make it our goal to teach them obedience and that they are under our authority. We believe that one day they will be under the Lord authority, thus we want to teach them to obey Him, by being obedient with us. This takes work and consistence. But when you train your children they are a joy to be around and this, I believe, will enhance your marriage. (I strongly recommend: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp for wonderful tips on training your child's heart.)

Finally: If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you'll know I am a communication junkie. I love being honest and real, especially with John. John and I have been about to talk openly about our differences in parenting style, how we view each others discipline style, what we're thinking, and how we're feeling. These conversations have drawn us closer as we navigate new territory of parenting and new seasons of our marriage. Without that honesty, I believe I'd feel suffocated by some of my own crazy emotions!

Hope this helps!

04/10/09 - Surrender

I received this comment:

"Lately, I am thinking about life, suffering and loss, about letting go of dearest hopes and dreams (such as a Christian family), as I face news (all around me) like earthquakes, financial failure, loss of job, home, loss of all earthly possessions, death of a (newly-wed) husband, death of family members.

What would it be like to be "emotional pure" for the rest of your life, as a single Christian woman (probably never getting married)? How can you really surrender all your desires and dreams to God and be really happy, being at peace with all kind of life-losses and suffering?I would really appreciate some practical wisdom on that - something to really put into practice (daily real life)."

When I read this, my first thoughts were of Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Nancy is 50 years old and recently at a taping of her radio program my mom heard her say that God has never released her to even go on a date. She models a life of being emotionally pure, through her 20's, 30's, 40's, and now into her 50's. Her life is poured out before God, serving Him, and His children.

She has written a book called Surrender: The Heart God Controls and the title says it all...the heart God controls.

I know you're looking for some practical, daily tips on how to surrender those dreams, but as the description of the book says, "The answer lies in our devotion to Jesus." How does your day reflect your devotion to our Lord and Savior? Does He get the best of your thoughts and time?

Nancy may have better tips on how to surrender the desire for marriage. There was a time in my life I was completely content single, but God brought me a mate and blessed us with children, so I've not walked 30 plus years of being single.

Yes, this world is filled with pain, sorrow, and heartache...but as my husband recently reminded me, "This world is not my home, I'm just passing through!" Someday we'll look back at our short time here on earth and realize it was all so small compared to eternity with the Lord. We have to put on those eternal glasses and know we're not made for this world!

Hope this helps!

04/09/09 - Kiddos

Just recently I was thinking about posting my feelings on how wonderful kids have made my marriage.

Let me tell you about my line of thinking.

When we got married John and I were shocked at how negative people were. We'd hear things like, "Are you sure you want to? Those happy feelings don't last long." "Why would you want to give up your freedom?" "The 'honeymoon' won't last two weeks." And so on and so on. Only a handful of people we're positive.

We came to realize that most people just aren't happily married, thus reflect their own marriage in how they thought ours would be.

It was upsetting to hear Christian couples complain about their own marriages in a strange comment about us getting married.

John and I were determined to not have this attitude. We love being married. The happy feelings have not gone away, even after almost 6 years of marriage. Our first year of marriage was amazing, not dreadful. I've grown more in love with John than I thought was possible.

Then when we got pregnant comments didn't stop. If we thought the comments were bad when we got married, they got worse about having kids. People acted as if we were just committing ourselves to 18 years of pure misery.

Having kids is a sacrifice, but oh if I could begin to share how it has grown John and I closer, if I could share the pure joy of having children...I'd write a really long post.

Our marriage has been blessed having children. I believe the reason we see kids as a marriage builder and not a marriage hindrance, is our own willingness to be selfless. (No, we're not perfect and we both struggle with feelings of selfishness, but our prayer and desire is to be selfless with each other and our children.)

Having kids requires you to be totally selfless and if you cling to selfishness, you'll find yourself unsatisfied and frustrated having kids.

I hope you are encouraged to know having kids will not ruin your marriage, but, with the right attitude before the Lord, you can be very satisfied in your marriage with children.

04/07/09 - No Title

I don't know what to title this post.

I've been around, feeling great, baby is great, life is just busy. During my ten weeks of intense morning sickness I realized that if I blog when God doesn't move me or prompt me to write something, the post just didn't feel right and I struggled writing it.

The past week or so I've not felt lead to write anything.

God is busy at work in my life, teaching me to give my crazy pregnancy emotions over to Him and just watch what He is doing in my life.

So my absents from blogging is just merely a lack in being lead to post anything.

I do enjoy questions and comments that spur me on or give me a focus in writing. If anything is pressing on your heart you'd like to "talk" about, please share!